Parenting, in my experience, is an intense transformation journey I chose to take, consciously, or unconsciously. There are many times, I wonder why parenting feels so hard? Was it really designed to be hard? Or do I just feel that way?
A lot has been said and written on what, how, when, where, and who of parenting. I learnt from these parenting content to handle my immediate parenting dilemmas, struggle, and challenges.
Only when I truly accepted the ‘why’ question on parenting, a significant shift occurred within me. I had an illusion or an image of my life as a parent for both happy and challenging times.
My experience of parenting was far more intense than the picture I had in mind! I finally figured out the real deal and the worthy reason I chose to be a parent, which after two children and 18 years of parenting, I am better able to articulate.
My purpose as a parent:
I reflected on the question “Why am I a parent?” and went more in-depth than the quick and easy answers that came through. On the surface, my reason for being a parent seemed to be to raise my children to be kind human beings, enjoy watching them grow up and be of mutual support in their journey of finding themselves.
While all of these reasons have always been true, they were externally pointing to my children as the cause of parenting. This model worked for me, when things were relatively smooth and within limits that I could stretch.
When situations and challenges stretched beyond my best capacity, I got lost. In the heat of the moment, I reacted with haste rather than respond with maturity.
After years of experiencing exhaustion from trying to put my best foot forward as a working mother, I had to reframe my purpose of being a parent.
I realised that the emotions that surfaced, triggered by my child’s “wrong” behaviour, were my own unresolved emotions that needed an outlet. And that my child was merely mirroring my own “negative side” even when I did my best to hide it.
Parenting is an ongoing journey. I am learning to be kinder to myself so I could be a better parent.
From knowing to doing:
While it takes time and persistence to come to this insight of my children being my mirror, it was another feat to accept and embrace this as my truth. While acceptance got me to a point, it wasn’t quite as life-changing until I integrated this fact in my experience.
When I responded from this truth of mine, the results were strikingly different, both for myself and my family. The solution to my parenting challenges required that I work on myself and heal my old wounds that got often triggered.
When I did that consciously, the results pleasantly surprised me. Only after I integrated this truth within myself, I started to relax into the role of a parent.
Even when the challenges keep coming to me as a parent, I respond to it with clarity and calmness. Well, for the most part, that is..!! It is an on-going process after all, and I am kinder to myself now!
My experience:
If you probably feel lost now or unable to get your mind around this insight, I fully understand! Let me give you an example.
By nature, I am sincere to my commitments and meticulously organised when it comes to my activities and tasks. I am a self-proclaimed perfectionist in the way I operate and get things done. I am usually mindful when I work with others, so my external interactions with people are generally unharmed by my overused perfectionism.
And my son, not surprisingly, doesn’t share my interest in perfectionism. Sure, as a mother, I expected that, and I gave a lot of space consciously, so I do not exert my preference or perfectionism on him.
Since he turned 8 it was an uphill road of parenting for both my husband and me. The present-day gadget and technology culture only added more challenge and intensity to our work.
Even when we limited his screen time to avoid addiction, it was a constant battle to get him to do everyday tasks. His interest was purely in gaming and technology.
While he is good at technology, I saw that was overtaking most of his life. And I like his experience to be diverse, vibrant, and human-centric and not limited to the cyber world.
In short, he was continually challenging the perfectionist in me who needed him to complete his homework, assignments, and tests! I felt the shame when he didn’t turn in the homework on time or give his best for an assignment.
All these personally attacked me, and I felt that it was my fault. When I sat to help him with his tasks, I would get angry and upset, which I rarely express externally.
Finally, I embrace the truth that my purpose of being a parent is actually learning and not teaching!!
Parenting crisis:
I heard parenting talks, read articles, books on generic and specific topics to push through and be the best parent I could be. And it only got worse. I took every guilt trip I was offered because I was working full-time and travelling for work giving me lesser time with him.
As a result, I often blamed myself for his behaviour. I felt I needed the time to sort things out before it was late and took a break from my career. Only to realise that my work didn’t have much to do with his behaviour.
What my parenting crisis led me to is a place I needed to be as a better person. It brought all the dirty laundry I had hid inside of me, the unresolved emotions accumulated over decades and kept hidden in the deepest part of my psyche, hoping no one would find.
And guess what? My son finds it in a few seconds; he cracks it open like coconut and lets everything spill from inside the hard shell.
Resolution:
I realised his behaviour brought my anger, guilt, and shame to the surface that was entirely mine to own and resolve. He was a tough and persistent teacher who wouldn’t give up testing me if I diverted the attention, especially outside of me.
My son has been one of the best teachers I have had in my life. He spares no time in indulging me with my emotions! It doesn’t mean it is all for me and there is no part for him to play. My time off from my career gave me much needed time and energy to focus on myself, which I hardly took in my adult life.
As I resolved my own emotions, I started to heal and find a new perspective of life. My healing and the shift within me significantly improved my relationship with my son, leading to a ripple effect on him to slowly start his own transformation journey.
It took me a while to understand it, some more time to accept and experience and integrate it into my life. Finally, I embrace the truth that my purpose of being a parent is actually learning and not teaching!!
Reflections:
Does this story and insight resonate with you? It is a good time to reflect on your parenting challenges and dilemmas! Here are some questions for you to consider:
1) How do you describe yourself as a parent?
2) How would your child/children describe you as a parent?
3) Would both the responses would be vastly different? Why?
4) What part/s of parenting do you enjoy the most?
5) What part/s of parenting do you find particularly challenging? Why?
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2 Responses
You speak well to the question and pose the question to various stages of parenting. The questions you ask remain valid whether you have been apparent for a day a year a decade or many decades hence. Our children do become our teachers mirroring back ourselves to us. Thank you for stimulating this reflection
Thank you Margaret. Yes indeed. Many answers to the same question depending on our unique experiences as parents at different stages of our lives!