As a child I wanted everything life that made me happy. When I grew up, I realised not everything I wanted made me happy. So this begs the questions “What do I really want in life?”
I still remember being introduced to needs and wants in primary school science class, and then in my secondary school economics class. I was intrigued by this seemingly simple yet powerful concept.
In this article, I would like to take a deep dive into why it was essential for me to be aware of my own needs and wants and how it helped me make better decisions.
I have always experienced ease and clarity in making decisions whenever I am fully aware of my needs and wants at that moment. I am saying at that moment because I have seen it change over time, and the change for me has generally been gradual over time.
Do you think your list change way too much or way too often than you would prefer? How about we explore this idea and see if could help you?
A recap on what it means:
Even if this were too basic, I would like to start with the meaning before I explore the topic in depth. I learned that food, shelter, water, air, clothes are our basic needs, and any other desire is my want.
I like to draw a more nuanced yet holistic definition of needs and wants. I find it easier to distinguish between them. It may not be comprehensive, yet a good start, in my opinion.
- A need is essential for my survival, whereas a want is optional for my survival.
- A real need in my experience seldom changes, whereas the want changes more frequently.
- When I don’t meet my need, I actively deteriorate, or it destroys a part of me. In contrast, when I don’t satisfy my want, I am disappointed.
My definition aims to extend beyond the survival needs that we often consider. I do not dispute the survival needs of most people. So I added the other aspects of emotional, mental, and in some cases, spiritual aspects of life.
Let us look at a few examples.
Identify which would you really want or need.
- A functional home vs. a spacious, well-decorated villa with stunning views
- Traveling to one place every year to recharge vs. travel to different countries every holiday
- Spending time to read and reflect vs. watching Netflix drama series
These are probably more natural choices for you (or not!) to identify your need vs. wants. If you classified watching Netflix drama series as a need, that probably is right. I would not use this as an exercise to judge yourself or others; instead, use it to be aware of your needs and to look for possibilities to fulfill them. Think far and wide, near and narrow, what you really want in life!
Understanding the dynamics:
As a child growing up in a middle-class Indian household, I learned to pay attention only to my needs and ignore my wants. I remember being labeled as too greedy or delusional when I wanted something more or something better.
My parents, teachers, peers told me what my need should be and should not be. In hindsight, this valuable education pushed me to keep challenging my needs even today. At the same time, if I had followed all the instructions I received, I do not think I would enjoy all the abundance I am currently enjoying.
So, in my opinion, one size does not fit all, so needs and wants differ from one person to another. In my experience, it even differs for the same person at different times of life.
It is personal:
If you go over my list of needs and wants and find it difficult to relate to, then you are not alone. Perhaps someone else might look at your list and probably think the same way. And this doesn’t matter at all, in my opinion. My list is mine and your list is yours! It is what it is.
I pay attention and make every effort not to change my list just because it doesn’t fit with my family, peers, friends, neighbor’s, etc. In contrast, I do challenge my list and make changes when I want the list to work well for myself, my purpose, my goals etc.
If you are looking for some direction for your life or you already have some sense of direction and would like to reflect on it, read “Where am I heading?” When you have your direction clear, it is easier to know what I really want in life. It helps me align with and live my purpose.
Then, I come to the next step, which is actually to take actions. Action is when the rubber meets the road. I consistently refer to my list to make choices with my time, money, energy etc. to support the fulfillment of my needs first and then my wants.
Here are some tell-tale signs when I often mistake a need for a want:
- When my need list keeps growing bigger or longer
- When my need list keeps changing often
- When I think I am not able to meet most of my needs and feel dissatisfied most of the time
Why is it important to differentiate?
If we could meet all our needs and wants, we do not have to draw a line in between them. I believe that the most important purpose as a human being is to learn to use my limited resource to build the best possibilities for my life.
Let’s see how the diffrentiation could help in goal setting. Here are some parental goals as examples:
- I NEED to provide all the essential physical, emotional, and mental demands of my children.
- I NEED to offer them holistic education to develop their skills, aptitude and values.
- I WANT to give them rich experiences and comforts that inspire them.
- I WANT to be a parent who offers only the best to my children in all areas of their lives.
When I have enough time, money, energy to meet both the need and the want goal, that is fantastic! When I don’t have enough resources then, I will focus on my need goal first.
If I remove the words of needs and wants from the above goals, it gets very overbearing and stressful as a parent and they might end up not supporting the children even with the basic needs.
When I do make the distinction, in my experience, it is easier to put my money, time and effort to work better. Do you get the idea?
The awareness of my need and want is a handy tool when I make decisions ranging from going shopping to moving countries.
Now, would you like to write down what you really want in life?
