When we talk about communication, we learn to use the right words, speak confidently, write precisely etc. Most of our modern education now teaches children how to speak and get forth their idea to others.
Even after receiving training for decades on speaking and writing, I see increasing mis-communications and mis-understandings. When everybody is busy talking and preparing the right reply, I see a big gap in listening. How well do you listen?
Essential Skill:
What do you think is an essential quality of a good cook? Is it the chopping skills, knowledge of the spices, precision of the cooking process, creativity to invent new dishes or something else?
While all of these skills are important, I consider the most crucial skill for a good cook is the fine ability to taste the food. The best cooks know what appeals to the guests and evaluate if the dish meets the standard. I think that sets apart the better cooks from the rest.
Similarly, I believe listening is the critical skill that makes communication effective and powerful. Listening deeply to the speaker and understanding their point of view followed by a conscious response makes a more effective communication.
Just as we cook food to be eaten, we say things to be heard and listened to. In modern-day lives, we all seem to put too much effort into speaking and significantly less attention to listening.
Moving from Hearing to Listening:
It seems like we have somehow learnt to selectively hear only what we want to hear to help ourselves tune out of the growing noise around us. In the interest of moving on with life, I feel we have lost the art of hearing, let alone listening. Attentive hearing is a whole another topic for another day.
In this article, I would like to focus on listening when we have conversations with people. We have progressed as a community to evolve the ways of expressing ourselves over the centuries in several ways.
We have constantly transitioned and caught up with different communication mediums from sign languages to painting on the cave walls to writing on stones to today’s digital medium of texts and Instagrams!
I wonder whether we have forgotten about listening just because the protocol of listening hasn’t changed much, which is to pay attention. Just because listening hasn’t changed drastically, have we have taken a step backwards in our ability to listen deeply.
Four levels of listening:
I have witnessed those who do listen can communicate much more effectively than those who do not. Although listening as a skill is getting some attention lately, I feel it still hasn’t gotten to a point where we teach listening skills as part of our education.
To understand the different listening modes, let’s look at the four stages of listening as explained by Otto Scharmer. I find these stages profound yet straightforward to help us understand listening.
"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply"
First level- Download Listening:
Downloading is the listening mode that most people are probably familiar with. Listening at this level come from habit and conditioning. People predominantly use their ears to listen for this level of listing. People are generally polite and hear the speaker’s words and make sense from them and occasionally respond to them by nodding, smiling, etc.
With download listening mode, the listener makes judgements of what they are hearing. The listening serves the purpose of reconfirming their own opinions and judgement. It could even leave the listener energised as they got something out of the conversation that favours them.
When this kind of listening is most prevalent, the picture that comes to my mind is a crowded party, where everyone buzzes away with so many things to say. Most people might be meeting each other for the first time and having a small talk to get acquainted.
Second level- Factual Listening:
With factual listening, people consciously listen for facts. They take notice if there is anything new that proves their existing opinion wrong. For facts, people listen with an open mind. By actively using their minds, they could compare and contrast various sources of information.
They seek new information to challenge their current knowledge so that they could form a better understanding. To do this successfully, they question and critically examine each piece of data to determine the truth. Another reason for factual listening could be for debating and proving another person wrong.
The picture that sits with me for factual listening is a detective listening when interrogating about a committed crime. Auditors, lawyers, teachers, managers, parents and anyone interested in finding out the truth or proving the other person wrong could use this listening mode to serve their purpose.
Third level- Empathic Listening:
When people shift from their open minds to their open hearts to listen, they listen empathically. At this level, there is an emotional connection between the speaker and the listener. The conversation truly becomes a dialogue that involves both the speaker and the listener.
The listener makes an effort to see the story from the speaker’s point of view. Here, the focus is on the speaker and not on the listener’s interest anymore. There is open space held for the speaker to share their thoughts and views without judgement.
When I think of empathic listening, I visualise intimate dialogues between loved ones where the listener holds space for the speaker. This listening mode helps spiritual workers, mental health professionals, and people involved in the healing practice connect with the other person to help them.
Fourth level- Generative Listening:
At this level, the listener engages an open will to listen. The listener hears what the speaker says and also listens to what is not spoken. The listener brings out what is possible and probable for the speaker in the future. This kind of conversation with generative listening brings a shift in the speaker to connect to the emerging future.
Generative listening strengthens collective creativity as various possibilities emerge for the speaker to recognise and acknowledge. This mode of listening adds value to the speaker and encourages sharing at a deeper level.
The best example of this level of listening is during a coaching conversation. As a professional coach, it is fascinating to witness the difference it brings to the speaker.
Engaging different listening levels:
I do not mean to say that we stick to one level of listening for all the conversations. Each of these four listening levels is useful for different circumstances, and they have their pros and cons. I would like you to reflect on your preferred listening level that you unconsciously engage.
This awareness could potentially lead you to switch the listening level depending on what the conversation is about or who you are talking to. A deeper level of listening with your loved ones could potentially change the way your relationship works or the way you perceive life. With the given benefits, I think it is worth trying. What do you think?
Reflections:
What level of listening have you experienced the most when you are talking?
How does each listening level make you feel as a speaker?
At what level would you like to be listened to when you talk and why?
What is your default listening mode from these four levels?
What level of listening would you like to engage when someone is speaking?
If you liked this article, you might also be interested in knowing more about your narual intelligence. Check out the article What kind of intelligence do you have?
One Response
Good one, Preethi🙂 !!!.Keep up the good work👍🏾💪🏽.