If you are someone who struggles with setting personal boundaries, you are at the right place. The good news is, with some awareness and effort, we can recreate the boundaries to work for us. As someone who had poor boundaries in many aspects of life and good boundaries in some other aspects of life, I can now reflect and learn from my experiences.
The first step for a health check of personal boundaries is to know what to check. I invite you to read the article ‘Do you have healthy boundaries?’, which explores different types of boundaries most people deal with. When we understand the types of personal boundaries, we deal with every day, we can then review how healthy our existing boundaries are.
Yes for Everything:
Coming from a people-pleasing culture, I quickly learned to say yes to everything as a norm. When I look back, I only learned to say no to something against my perceived values and morals. Beyond that, saying ‘no’ made me constantly uncomfortable and sometimes seemed impossible.
Other than values and morals, there wasn’t anything I was willing to discern. In my mind, I believed ‘no’ implied conflict and the beginning of an end to a relationship. And I would not risk it with my family or friends.
Interestingly, I extended it beyond the relationships that mattered. ‘Yes’ was a default response when someone cut the queue at a service counter; or for a work demand that took away many extra hours with short notice. These quick favours messed with my plans and schedules for the day. My limiting belief that saying ‘no’ would lead to a weaker relationship was proving to be unsustainable to me.
Now I fully believe saying ‘no’ at best makes your relationship stronger with others and, at worst, strengthens your relationship with yourself. Like many things in life, knowing is only the first step. When doing follows knowing, I might begin to see results.
Benefits of a healthy boundary:
When done well, some of results I start noticing these benefits.
- I become more confident in my Being.
- I can say ‘no’ more comfortably without feeling guilty
- I can say ‘yes’ when I choose to, not necessarily feeling obliged
- I take full responsibility for my happiness
- I also dont feel the need to please others
- I allow to take good care of myself without making excuses
Quality of a boundary:
In my view, the health of the boundaries depends on how we choose to build the limit. In my opinion, the type of boundary (physical, intellectual, emotional, financial, time etc.) is like drawing a line on the sand where a wall is needed. The quality of the material used to construct a wall determines the strength of the boundary, for example, a wooden fence, a brick wall, a barbed wire etc.
There are three ways you could set your boundaries.
Non-existent:
There is simply no boundary defined and no awareness of any limitations. If you have non-existent boundaries, anyone can trespass your territory, potentially mess with it and leave at their will without taking much responsibility to clean up.
Loose/Porous:
There is a boundary that is ambiguous. It is easy to poke and get through. Considerate people might be aware of and respect your boundaries. People who do not respect boundaries can easily penetrate and potentially mess with them.
Rigid:
There is a solid boundary that is visible to most people. It is so hard that many people find it repulsive and difficult to approach. The boundary is well defined and clear.
Some key points to consider:
- A boundary is something you choose to set for yourself as a grown adult. So you can change it if the current limit is not working for you.
- Learn to take full accountability for your boundary or any changes to it. Be willing to deal with the consequences in the short term.
- If you are a parent, you may consider teaching your children to set age-appropriate boundaries. Even better is to live true to your boundary for them to observe and learn.
- Setting healthy boundaries, in my experience, is choosing the right quality of boundary for the specific type of boundary. For example, you may want to set a rigid boundary for physical limits to keep you safer.
- Mental boundaries could be boundaries you set for others and yourself. Setting loose boundaries in this case might help you stretch your perceived limits. For example, if you believe you are desinged to be a late riser, setting a challenge to wake up at an earlier time everyday can help you push your limitations.
How to say ‘No.’
In my experience, the magic word to assert your boundary to others is to say ‘No.’ There are many books written for the art of saying No. What worked for me to say ‘no’ or a ‘partial yes’ are these pointers.
A beginner attempt: ‘Yes… but..’
“Yes, I can come to the party with you, but I need to leave by 8 pm. Would that work for you?”
The purist version: ‘Yes… And..’
“Yes, I can work on Saturday, and I want to be able to take Monday off instead. Is that fine?”
Soft landing: “I’d love to.. but..”
“I’d love to drive you to your friend’s place, but I am too tired to drive that far, and I don’t want to risk your safety.”
Compassionate: “No… Because”
“No, I can’t make it for dinner at your place next week because I already have other plans.”
Buying more time: “Can I get back to you in some time?”
One of the things that I noticed in myself is that I say yes even before someone asks me. And when someone asks me, I don’t wait to think and by default say ‘yes’ immediately. So remember to wait to be asked, and give yourself time to consider before you respond.
Blunt version: “No.”
Some situations might demand a blunt ‘No’ even without giving reasons, especially when you need to strongly assert your boundaries. As long as that boundary serves you, it is worth asserting and defending it for your own sake.
Reflections:
- What are you aware of about your boundaries?
- Which of your boundaries serve you and which don’t?
- What are the changes you would like to make about your boundaries?
- What would life look like when you can set and affirm healthy boundaries?
