Have you gotten an email that sounds rude, blunt, angry, blaming or shaming? And even though you might consider the content to be far from reality, you might be obligated to respond. How do you respond to such negative emails that push your hot buttons?
I have certainly been in that situation more than I would like to be. Especially with the role I played, most of my career was looking for issues and problems that need to be fixed for regulatory and business purposes. Not surprisingly, I got plenty of opportunities to learn. I honed my skills in conflict management, influencing without authority and driving accountability.
On the surface, I seemed to be dealing with laws, regulations, technical issues, project issues, business issues etc. What really motivated me in my work was dealing with people’s strengths and challenges at an individual and collective level.
It is all about people:
No matter what domain or industry we work in, we are ultimately working with people- the Human Capital. Leaders at all levels, managing people starting from a few to thousands, mostly address people issues that eventually impact business performance.
I believe organisations’ issues could be far lesser when people take individual ownership of managing their emotions effectively. When we operate from a responding mode, instead of reacting, in my view, the workplace would be a much happier place to work!
Many of us might already have a healthy email etiquette. Consistently applying email etiquette might save you from many unpleasant situations!
In this article, I would like to share my experiences when emails threw me off centre and how I trained myself to respond to them. By responding mindfully to challenging emails, I stop the negativity from spreading further.
Emotion stands for Energy in Motion
Kinds of emails that usually challenge me:
Emails that use inappropriate words out of anger or make insensitive comments out of ignorance:
In my experience, words are more powerful than we imagine them to be. One wrong word is all it might take to destroy the trust that we built over time. And depending on the situation or intensity, we might not have a second chance to rebuild!
Emails that start/develop a blame game, mostly when a mini-village is copied:
While I am all in for driving accountability for mistakes and errors, one email that starts pointing fingers often triggers pent up emotions. As a result, many bullets go off the guns recklessly, hitting and hurting individual and team morale. It is best to keep in mind what the email intends to achieve and consider whether an email would serve the purpose.
The tone of the email appears to be insensitive and blunt:
I prefer emails that are direct, precise, and to the point. What I am referring to is the tone used for the context of the email. When the recipient reads the email, he/she hears the email’s tone in the mind. And this tone may or may not be the one that the writer intended!
Emails that don’t convey a message:
Some emails are so long-winded and confusing that I don’t know what to take from it. Instead of clarifying things, it confuses me even more! Perhaps, the context is not clear, or the writer is confused without admitting it.
Moving from "I am angry" to "I feel anger"
Feelings are temporary, we could choose to detach from them
Seven tips & tools to help respond:
When responding to such situations that negatively trigger me, I often use these tools to help me respond responsibly:
Take a pause and breathe:
If I feel the monkeys in my mind are throwing a tantrum soon after I read the email, I hit on my brakes first. I take a deep breath in with my nose and let it all out with my mouth. It is more than a regular sigh intending to release my negative thoughts and feelings, in the hope that it doesn’t taint my reACTION!
Delay responding to the email:
See if I could manage to delay responding even for a couple of hours rather than engage in the fight thrown at me. Sometimes, we rush too often to react and defend ourselves, unknowingly stepping into the boxing ring. Buying some time for non-urgent situations opens a window for a new outcome. Many times, I find the issue resolves by itself without needing my intervention. I would also be careful not to procrastinate the issue, just because it is uncomfortable to deal with. Find the window of time that allows you precious moments to recover without being perceived as unresponsive.
Send the response to the Draft folder:
The mind monkeys might be too wild to manage, and you feel compelled to act. Let your hands type away and avenge off the frustration out of your body. Before you hit send, allow yourself to pause and save as draft first. Now, step away from your desk and take a short break for a refreshing drink or a quick walk. When you have recovered from the brain- hijack, you re-read the email. You might likely realise that it could have cost you many more issues than the original one. You might even re-phrase your response and still communicate your thoughts in a more composed tone.
Call the person if that is possible:
When you can restrain from sending a reactive email and able to recover from the emotional hijack, consider the possibility of calling the sender. Very often, the email’s tone doesn’t correspond to the intention of the sender. When we talk over the phone or in person, the resolution is much more straightforward. It is a good idea to allow time for everyone to cool and calm down a bit. Consider the urgency of the situation before scheduling the call or a meeting.
Limiting communication only to relevant people:
I have seen communications putting me on the spot or demanding my response with a bigger group of stakeholders copied in the email. For such messages, I send two emails in return. In my first email, I would neutrally acknowledge the message to the bigger group. I will let them know that I will respond with my specific comments to the particular team/role I believe are relevant. I would then reduce the recipient list and send my detailed response in my second email that addresses the original query. This way, I build my credibility and trust with the people in the initial email and give them a chance to be included in the follow up if they liked. With inboxes flooding with emails, most people are happy to be out of the drama as long as they don’t feel threatened.
Recognising the trigger pattern:
Sometimes, I get triggered with emails from one particular person or one specific team when I encounter consistently negative experiences. Contrary to popular belief, it need not necessarily be the other person’s fault. In my experience, it is usually the way I work or my personality is very different from the other person. Or that each has conflicting goals to achieve, which are assigned intentionally or unintentionally. For example, the commercial team focuses on speed to market while the quality team focuses on product quality. Both goals are essential to the organisation as a whole. With this intentional organisational role design, conflicts are a natural outcome that leads to tense situations. In such cases, I am aware of my trigger and remember to follow the tips and tools mentioned above before responding.
Ask for help:
If all else fails, I ask for help from my colleagues. Depending on the seriousness of the situation, the support could take various forms. It might be a vent-out coffee session with a friend or a mentoring session from an experienced team member, or additional support to facilitate meetings or a coaching session from my boss!
Your Reflections:
I invite you to reflect on your own default reaction/response model with similar situations and be open to what you could find about yourself!
- What kind of emails negatively triggers your emotions? Why?
- How do you respond to such emails?
- What tools do you use to respond to the email without being carried away by emotions?
- How often are you aware of your triggers when it happens?
- Do you have anyone that you admire who responds to such situations calmly with wisdom? What can you learn from them?
How to set career goals that help me?
