Are you someone who feels easily taken advantage of? Do you feel constantly disrespected on many levels? Do you struggle to create and keep close relationships? Are you finding yourself pushing people away even without realizing it? If any of these questions concern you, perhaps it is a good time to invest your time in setting and respecting healthy boundaries of your own and others!
We all know boundaries defines the shape of something, which is set to distinguish it from others. We differentiate matter into solids, liquids and gases based on clear or lack of boundaries. Countries that significantly influence our lives are created on boundaries defined.
I somehow found it to be easy to understand the concepts of physical boundaries. Honestly, the idea of personal boundaries took me a while to understand and implement. I am constantly challenged on my boundaries at a personal and professional level, making this one of my favourite learning topics. I continue to grow and evolve my insights and redefining my boundaries. I am sharing what I have learnt so far, if you are keen to explore.
What is a personal boundary?
Simply put, a boundary is a limit or a rule that you set on how others can treat you. Two important aspects emerge from this simple definition. Firstly, YOU set them, which many of us forget and don’t take full ownership of this. Secondly, this is for others to know what is ok and not ok when they interact with you.
Many times, we assume that people would know it, and you shouldn’t be telling them. In many cases, people would assume other’s boundaries are similar to theirs, which is usually not the case. If you have an interest in sustaining any relationship, it is essential to know and respect each other’s boundaries and take time to clarify. Sometimes you even ask permission if you want to make exceptions.
Types of Personal boundaries:
When it comes to personal boundaries, there are several levels where you can set them. I found that some of the concepts are harder to define than others. With an understanding of what they are and awareness, we can define boundaries, before asserting them. To begin with, let’s look at some of these which I think are vital to define.
I set boundaries not to offend you but to respect myself
Physical boundaries:
Your physical boundaries begin from your physical body. There are further distinctions within physical limits. I like to use the term bubble as it is easy to visualize them. The space measurement given here is only an indicator and varies based on cultures, traditions, and practices.
- Body: This is the private space of each person. Only they have authority over their body and can fully choose who they allow it to be touched.
- Intimate space: This is a bubble within 2 feet of your body. This space comfortably accommodates intimate relationships such as a spouse, partner, core family etc.
- Personal space: This is a bubble between 2 to 4 feet from your body. This space is comfortable for colleagues, friends, extended family etc.
- Social space: This is a bubble between 4 to 8 feet from your body. This space is suitable for acquaintances, colleagues, neighbours etc
- Public space: more than 8 feet from your body. In this space, people comfortably accommodates total strangers, passers-by.
When people follow this space protocol, we generally feel safe and comfortable in other’s presence. That is why when we are in elevators or crowded buses or public spaces, we feel uncomfortable. We look away from each other to make us feel distant even when we are in each other’s personal spaces.
I feel it is important to start educating our children about physical boundaries as soon as they begin to understand. This could keep them aware of potential physical abuse and allow them to seek help.
Intellectual boundaries:
Intellectual boundaries shape our thoughts and beliefs. It defines what our intellect can and cannot do. I visualize this sort of boundary as buckets filled with different kinds of ideas and beliefs. In my view, they contain our opinions that arise from the beliefs we hold so dearly.
On one side of the coin, it sets a rule for others to treat you. Suppose, you have a mental boundary that you do not work on a weekend and your boss asks you to work a full day on the weekend. In many situations, this request would fall within the ethical norms of work. In this case, one possible way to consider a boundary is to agree to work with additional monetary benefit or a compensatory day-off.
On the other side of the coin, it is a rule you set for yourself. This sometimes leads to limiting beliefs that might not serve you. For example, the impression that you cannot do a job that involves numbers. This could mean that you are uncomfortable or don’t feel competent enough to do the number work. There are ways to work around this with the nature of your boundaries.
Emotional boundaries:
Emotional boundaries, in my view, are more complex to recognize and assert. It deals with the dynamics of feelings and often gets mixed. If you are a feelings person, you might agree that it is hard to pinpoint one emotion you feel at a given point.
In my experiences, being aware of your feeling and triggers are necessary to start understanding your boundaries is the first step. Especially in intimate and personal relationships, there are many chances of stepping on each other’s boundaries due to the proximity of space and feelings.
Communicating the boundary is the next crucial step. The communication is not complete until the other person is clear. I have observed often that the communication of my likes and dislikes within a relationship needs more emphasis. Even when I thought I made it clear to the person who violated my boundary, the other person did not understand fully.
Suppose my boundary is constantly violated despite constant reminders and puts me in distress. In that case, I might still have the choice of removing myself from the relationship to assert my boundary. Relationships are complex and, in my experience, needs a lot of consideration before making choices. I spend a lot of time going back to the definition of boundaries that work for my growth and hold myself fully accountable.
Financial boundaries:
Money is one of the most significant resources that we learn to manage well to thrive in our modern-day lives. Having financial boundaries is therefore essential to work with it optimally. Knowing what you spend on and how much you spend are necessary to allocate them efficiently. When we set budgets, what we are essentially doing is defining our financial boundaries.
Time boundaries:
Time is another crucial resource to be managed optimally to thrive in our lives. In my view, how I allocate my time among different activities in diverse aspects of life determines my quality of life. When I intentionally manage our time, I tend to be more deliberate in my effort. We could use tools such as prioritization and scheduling to set our time boundaries to make our day more productive.
Now that we know the type of boundaries, read on ‘How to set healthy boundaries’ to help you navigate this topic better
Reflections:
- What are the boundaries you consider essential for you to set to make your life less chaotic?
- Which of these boundaries are you good at developing and keeping them?
- Which of these boundaries do you feel is more complex or difficult to define and maintain?
- What are exceptions you could allow to breach your boundaries?
You might also be interested to read Do you crave independence? that talks about more dynamics in relationships.
