Have you ever been asked by anyone how you would like to be loved? If they asked, would you know how to articulate?
I asked myself this intriguing question after reading the book ‘The 5 Love Languages’ by Gary Chapman. I remember this book opened me up to so many learnings that I wished I had known earlier.
The author wrote the book primarily for couples/ intimate partners stemming from his experience as a Marriage counselor. Eventually, the concept expanded to other relationships, such as parenting. I found the insights in this book helped improve my relationship with my spouse and my children.
I often ask my children how they would like their meals, drinks, or family trips. If it is in my capacity, I usually try to make it to their liking. If not, I could let them know!
I was surprised it didn’t occur to me to ask them how they want to be cared for and loved? After reading The 5 Love Languages, I started asking more of these questions in more straightforward ways they would understand and articulate.
A must-read book on Love:
I would highly recommend you to read the book if you haven’t already.
Gary Chapman observed that people with different personalities show and receive love in different ways. These ways of giving and receiving love are called Love language.
He also says that each one of us has at least one predominant language. One could have more than one, and usually, one would be more dominant than the others.
When we hear our predominant language, we feel deeply loved. When someone used other languages to express, even with the best effort, we do not feel the impact as much!
To the world you may be one person; but to one person you may be the world.
Now, when I understood this, it was a lightbulb moment for me! All my previous happy and painful experiences suddenly made sense!! I was getting a grasp of the idea behind the concept. Let’s take a look at these five languages, real quick.
Words of Affirmation:
Words are significant for people who have this as their predominant language. They like to hear words that assure positive feelings. They want to listen to the words “I love you” more often. Receiving verbal compliments for their efforts, accomplishments, looks, and so on makes them feel loved.
They feel badly hurt when people use harsh words and criticize them.
Acts of Service:
Someone having Acts of Service as their predominant language appreciates genuine help as an act of love. The key phrase that appeals to them is, “Let me help you out” or “Let me do it for you.” The key here is not just saying; it involves the actual doing! They feel loved when someone cares for their day-to-day needs, such as cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.
They feel deeply hurt when they feel unsupported or when someone breaks their promise to help.
Receiving Gifts:
Most people like gifts, and for people who have Receiving Gifts as their primary love language, they are extra special. It touches their heart more deeply than most others. The gift’s value might not matter as much for them as the thought and effort someone has put in the present to show their feeling!
They feel deeply let down when they do not receive gifts, especially on birthdays, anniversaries, etc.
Quality Time:
People value the time spent with them when their love language is Quality Time. They love the time and complete attention they receive. They enjoy activities together that provides the attention and engagement they crave. The keyword here is quality over quantity and attention over presence.
They feel badly hurt when they do not get enough quality time with the person they love.
Physical Touch:
People who have Physical Touch as their love language love to hug, hold hands, be patted on the back, or any comfortable touch, which makes them feel cared for and safe.
They feel intensely hurt if they are physically harmed or not touched enough.
I hope you enjoy the book as much as I did and continue to explore different possibilities to love and feel loved!
My insights:
I firmly believe trust is the foundation for any relationship. And that love is the ground where we build up the foundation of trust. I resonate with this idea even more for a closer relationship with a spouse, life-partner, children, parents, close friends, etc.
When we don’t feel enough love, the ground loses stability and starts cracking, and overtime, it shakes the foundation of trust that potentially destroys the relationship.
Here were the insights I took away to keep and improve my relationship’s strength.
- It is common for people to choose to express love in their own predominant language. When their partner has a different dominant language, the love is not received the same way it is given. This gap gives rise to disappointment from both the giver and receiver. Over time I have witnessed the relationship weakens. Even when they don’t break, the relationship’s engagement and joy drop significantly and start to feel stale!
- It is also possible that people express and receive love differently. They might not know how the other person truly understands love and keep speaking in the language they feel most comfortable. The key is to find out what love language the other person in the relationship understands best and use it. This might feel uncomfortable initially, and still, I find it worth the effort, as the results are significantly positive.
- Just like we have dialects in any language, some love languages have different dialects. Understanding the nuances in dialects that the other person prefers is also key in turning around a relationship or strengthening a good relationship. I will leave the details of the dialect for you to explore from the book.
- It was vital for me to understand what I should do to improve a relationship. It was equally essential to know what I should not do to weaken it. I understood that negative effect in each language was equally powerful to cause stress in the relationship. A child whose dominant language is Words of Affirmation would feel unloved and hurt when he/she is continuously criticized or hears foul language.
Your Reflections:
- How do you find the strength of each of your intimate/close relationships? E.g., significant partners, children, parents, close friends, etc.
- Do you know what your dominant love language is? Do you have more than one? What are they?
- Which relationship do you feel most loved? What language does/did that person use to express love?
- What language do you use to express love to others? Is it the same as your dominant language?
- Which relationship do you struggle to keep? With this understanding of love languages, what could you potentially do differently?
I hope you enjoy the book as much as I did and continue to explore different possibilities to love and feel loved!
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2 Responses
I will certainly buy the book
This was eye opening for me !! Thanks for depicting this so clearly, very well written.